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Lately, I don’t know why but I have
been eagerly listening to sappy sad love songs. I’m not bitter or
whatever.. I just appreciate how the message of the songs flows through
my cold veins as it pumps blood into my numb heart.
For now, I can attest to the saying that who can say why your heart cries, when your love lies.. only time.
Unconsciously, I can sleep well as I hit the sack after my shift. I
love seeing the sunshine as it peeks through the window of my bedroom.
I enjoy taking a nice looooonnng (take note: LONG ) shower and play
with my dresses in my closet.
The pain that I have been hiding from the whole world to see is long gone. I didn’t know when but it’s gone.
Whenever I try to remember the events that shattered my life, I just
laugh at myself for I never realized that I was too blinded by my
emotions. One thing I can say without any hesitations is I do not have
any REGRETS with what I had done in the past.
When we’re in-love, we do things way beyond what we normally do. We act as if there’s no tomorrow.. in short, insanity.
It’s really ironic but that is the bittersweet truth. The pain may
take forever to descend in my heart but only time will tell when will
it end… and it did!
If only the world knew what I had experienced, they will understand
why I decided to leave it and be on my own. Honestly? It’s shocking and
very traumatic for me. I learned a lot from all those things that
happened to me.
For now, I’m thankful that I managed to survive another adversity that once colored my life hue.
I woke up way too early yesterday. I believed I had slept around 12
MN then I got up at 3 AM. Well, I need to be at the office that early
because I’ll be seeing Ram and Cyril after their respective shifts. I
was at the office around 5:30 AM then Ram and I headed to SM Mall of
Asia to fetch Cyril. Around 6 AM, we were there at the mall to meet
Cyril.
However, Cyril had a call and he came out around 7:30 AM. Long call, huh?
First stop. We decided to grab a coffee at Starbucks while waiting
for Rose and Ella. It’s funny because while the Barista was trying to
build a rapport as we took our order, he just asked out of curiosity
and this line was the one I will never forget:
“So, you’re a balikbayan right?!”
We laughed out loud and I answered back, “Hindi ah, taga Imus lang ako. We’re currently working at Makati“.
Let these pictures do the talking. *winks!
I was kinda anticipating to see someone but I guess, we’re not meant to see each other during that day. o.O
Till next time guys and I hope complete attendance na tayo! =)
The heart knows no hiatus. It grows in silence. It is unaware of succession. It doesn't question. It helplessly beats for reasons unknown to the bearer, or it may be devoid of reason at all. Hence is associated with insanity, madness, blindness, folly. But something so beautiful and transcendental would definitely not be a product of stupidity. It is there. It exists. It is felt. It tries hard not to deceive its bearer. Resistance and denial only make a moron out of its bearer. It doesn't suggest profoundness. Happiness ought to be simple. Otherwise, only a few could afford understanding the meaning of joy.
Here I am, listening to the music that I had uploaded in my playlist.
Thanks to Don Domeng for the mp3’s available in our servers and I’m
currently enjoying the avail time on my shift. It’s already in the
middle of my shift and we were able to harvest all the admin works at
the office. *chuckles* Joke!
Kidding aside..
As I silently looked past the bay on my way home, I somehow tried to
remember some of the memories that I already burned away in my mind. I
miss my childhood life, college friends, being a student (just trying
to pass all the curriculum), being active in church and of course, the
persons who had once touched my life.
I somehow pitied the person who asked me that pop question just
recently. No, actually I pitied myself. Why? I know to the fact that I
cannot afford to give love as much as I can like before.
Some were trying to induce me to love them as if I was never hurt. I
admire those people who can truly love a person without using them as a
rebound. Who keeps on accepting love with arms wide open.
I know to the fact that I am finally over with all the shits I had
gone through recently. I’m proud to say that I was able to get him out of my system. For I do not have any urge to win him back like before . I’m no longer that pathetic who’s really crazy to a person who never saw my worth - like any ordinary girl who falls in love to any ordinary guy.
Sad to say that I used to be that stupid who got caught in her own emotions and was blinded by love.
I remember when Marcos asked me, “Bern, kailan mo ba balak lumgay na sa tahimik?”
I didn’t answer him because until now I still can’t provide any answer to myself, if I should be deciding to settle down or not.
As this line goes “There’s tons of fishes in the water, so the waters I will test“, I decided to go out and be the way how was I before. I mingle and date with other guys out there, enjoying the benefits of no strings attached rule.
I manipulate. I lie. I used lame excuses. So what?
Maybe somewhere along the way, I might meet the person who will take
me away from the life I’m currently living. The one who will accept me
at my worst or my best, which possesses long patience to change me and
bring me home to where I belong.
“You don’t move on from the pain. You get used to it.”
And so I realize that giving everything to you and always be there for you was not enough.
I could just walk away from all the lies and troubles caused, but I didn't. Because I strongly feel that saving our drowning relationship and giving us a second chance would be worth it.
I was at home when I decided to be at home and be busy in front of
our desktop. The usual thing that I do is login to my yahoo messenger
account and check my kitchen if my dishes are ready to server and
harvest my crops from my farm. Until I heard..
*toot*
him: hi
me: hello, musta?
him: ayos lang. asan ka?
me: nasa bahay, naglalaro. sayang wala ka nung umuwi si joey.. you missed a lot of inom moments!
him: uu nga eh, tatampo xa. hindi na nga ako pinapansin.
Then we continued to have a small talk about my life and his life.
It’s been four years, since we saw each other and usually, ym is our
way to communicate. There were times that he’ll never reply or will say
emotional things to me because of our bitter break up. Let’s call him
Marcos.
Well at least, he’s now matured and ready to speak up with me and be
casual.. I think. Joey once told me that till now, Marcos told her that
he’s still in love with me after all these years. She had advised
Marcos to ask me out and try to be with him again.
Anyways, I told Marcos that I was pretty emotional during that day.
He asked me out if it is okay to roam around and have a couple of
drinks or so. I can’t say yes to him because I was waiting from a reply
of my Team Lead if my VL was approved or not.
Funny thing here is it took me I think 6 hours to decide and we met
in our meeting place. What really caught my attention was his weight! I
never imagined him seeing that way.. he gained a lot! I was like, “Hi Marcos, ang taba taba mo na! Tabaching ching ka na!!” He just looked at me and said, “Akala ko ba emo ka? Meron bang emo na naka mini skirt at naka PINK bag?!” I just answered, “Ako lang yun.”
We checked for any available place wherein we can talk and have some
time together. We went to the place where we (college friends) used to
hang out when we like to sing our hearts out. We even visited our
school and well, they were also surprised to see us together again. Lakas nga nila mang asar, grabe!
Anyways, since there were no available place near the area, he asked
me if it is okay if we head our way to Petron. The very memorable
Petron, I told myself then I agreed.
We had a lot of conversation and as I looked at him, he seems really
okay and happy with his girlfriend. He was funny as he tried to reverse
whatever happened between us in the past. I was like, excuse me, you’re
the one who had an affair with your best friend then I got even and I
decided to ditch you and be with *o**t. “Isang buwan nalang, one year na sana tayo Marcos.”
He just answered, “Akala ko ba ikaw may kasalanan? Iniwan mo nga ako db kasi you decided na sumama sa Batangas saka ayaw mo ako isama.”
I answerd back, “Gagu, nakipaglandian ka kasi kay E*r* kaya pala lakas ng loob mong maki pag hiwalay sa akin nun ah!”
Marcos replied, “Hindi no, si George may kasalanan nun! Na misinterpret niya yung CD.”
then I said, “Tanga, hindi ka lang marunong magtago ng kalokohan
mo. Concern nga sa akin si George nun. Buti nga sinabi niya sa akin
yung nakita niya no!”
Me and Marcos five years ago @ Petron
Before he left, he kept saying that after all these years, he still can’t move on at nanghihinayang siya after
what had happened to us. Marcos never failed to look at me and hold his
hand over mine. As I glanced upon him, I really saw his facial
expression, he mean it. I told him whatever happened between us is
finally over and he needs to love his girlfriend and be loyal with her.
We’re now separated and God has a reason why our story had ended up
that way.
Honestly, for the month of October, I managed to meet up my ex’s and
be able to close whatever happened between our relationship. I had
forgiven them and I hope they’re happy with their current significant
other.
I still need to accomplish one thing for me to totally get over from
all the shits I had in my past. Although, I’m still deciding if I’ll do
it or no. I know if I decided to do it, it will help me fully forgive
and move on with my life.
I know to myself that I had moved on, I just want to say my last thoughts to him then leave.
